


Letting Go

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-17
Updated: 2006-03-17
Packaged: 2019-02-02 02:33:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12717885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Jack feels tired and decides to change some things.





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

The fire was crackling in the living room. He could hear it in the garden where he was staring into the sky. The cool silvery light of the moon whispered to him and he could almost hear the tingling laughter of the sparkling stars.

A soft smile curled his lips. Not long ago he would have wallowed in self-pity, waiting anxiously for his lover to return. Now, he knew that he had nothing to fear. His lover always returned to him.

A car pulled into the driveway. The front door opened, keys were tossed onto the table and footsteps approached him. Two arms hugged him from behind and a head came to rest on his shoulder. 

"Jack, what are you doing out here? It's freezing." Warm lips travelled along his neck and closing his eyes he leaned back into his lover. "Come inside, Jack. Let's go to bed," the soft voice pleaded. 

"You go first, I'll be right there." He stepped away from the man behind him.

"Jack, is something wrong?" There was a hint of worry in Daniel's voice.

"No, I'm fine, Daniel. I just want to stay here a bit longer." 

"It was just dinner..."

"I know, Danny. I know. Go to bed." Jack turned around and smiled at his lover who smiled back and went inside.

Jack watched the young linguist walk towards the stairs until he disappeared from sight. Yes, Daniel always came back to him, now. 

They had been together for two years. Daniel had been of the opinion that they should go out with others occasionally. Don't ask, don't tell. The Colonel had agreed but left the dating part to the younger man.

What O'Neill had not realised was that some of those dates were a little more than just dinner and a movie until one day he heard some marines talking about `Jackson getting his rocks off with the nurses'. 

He had not asked Daniel about it. He had waited for his lover to tell him the truth but that never happened. Finally Jack had forced Daniel to tell him what was going on. He had been drunk that evening and angry as hell.

There had been a lot of yelling and shouting from Jack's side, tearful apologies from Daniel who had begged for forgiveness, swearing that he wanted to be with Jack and only Jack.

"Jack?"

O'Neill sighed. His lover had come downstairs again and stood on the lawn, barefoot, dressed in light grey jammies looking like a five-year- old.

"Jack, are you mad at me? What have I done this time?" Daniel asked quietly while casting slightly annoyed glances at the older man. "Nothing happened, we went to have dinner and then..." his voice trailed off as he raised his head to see a pair of dark brown eyes looking at him but not really seeing him. "Jack?"

"Go to bed, Daniel. You'll freeze to death out here," the older man said softly while turning away to look up into the sky once more, obviously steadfastly refusing to take the bait.

"But Jack, I..." 

"I know, it was just dinner. Go to bed, Daniel, please."

Daniel struggled not to lose his temper. He hated it when Jack cut him off like that. Angrily he stomped upstairs as he was told. He knew how much he had hurt his lover and tried to make up for it as best as he could. Had told Jack that he wanted to be with him, that he loved him, again and again, yet it was not good enough, was it?

Oh, Jack had taken him back, had not shown in any way that he bore the linguist a grudge, but every time Daniel arrived home late he could see it in Jack's eyes. `Where have you been? Have you done it again?' they asked him silently. 

At first Daniel had simply ignored those looks, but soon they had started to annoy him and he would tell Jack that nothing, absolutely nothing, had happened. Jack would look at him unbelievingly, saying it didn't matter, then they'd find themselves in the middle of another shouting match.

Lately, however, things had changed. Jack had become calmer, more patient, especially with Daniel. Everyone had noticed that the infamous fallouts of the Colonel and the linguist had completely vanished. They still disagreed with each other sometimes, but O'Neill would not shout at Daniel as he used to. They would discuss the matter and try to find a compromise together.

Lying in bed alone, waiting for Jack, the younger man realised that he hardly ever got any negative reaction from the other man anymore. No sarcastic remarks, no insults, nothing. What had happened?

The bed shifted behind him as Jack crawled in. Daniel waited until he was sure that the other man had fallen asleep, then turned around to look at him. Jack had curled up on his side facing away from the younger man.

Daniel just had to reach out his hand to touch his lover, but it felt like he was a million miles away. As he brushed his hand through the grey hair, Jack flinched away from the light touch even in his sleep and Daniel felt tears well up. `Why can't you trust me, Jack? What can I do to make you see how much I love you?'

"Colonel O'Neill, is there anything you want to add?" Jack looked at Hammond and shook his head. This debriefing had already taken longer than the mission itself and his head was throbbing. 

"Well, good work. Dismissed." Daniel and Carter jumped up to rush outside, followed by Teal'c at his usual, more dignified pace. Jack pushed himself up from the chair as Hammond called him back.

"Colonel, I'd like to have a word with you in private." 

Jack frowned as he sat down again. In his head he was replaying the last couple of days. Had he done something that might have upset his CO? Nope, he'd behaved himself.

"How are you doing, Jack?" the General asked his 2IC who looked up in surprise, obviously not expecting that question.

"Well, I've never been better. Why?" 

George was studying the younger man intently. There was something that did not seem right with him but the General could not make out what it was.

"I'm concerned about you. Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" O'Neill raised his eyebrow, confusion written all over his face. 

"I... I'm fine, sir. A little tired maybe but... Why are you asking?" 

"Because you don't seem to be well. Your behaviour is very... uncharacteristic." 

A small mocking smile appeared on Jack's face. "What, you don't like me following orders and behaving as I'm supposed to?" Shaking his head the Colonel got up. "Trust me, George. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just getting older. If you'll excuse me now, I need a shower and some sleep."

"Jack, you know if there's anything wrong..." Hammond called after him, but Jack had already left the room.

The General watched his friend walk down the corridor. He was worried about his 2IC. He had never seen Jack so calm and docile, almost subdued. Whatever it was, George hoped that Jack would get it right, soon. If he was honest, he missed the cocky attitude and smart-ass remarks from O'Neill. This new quiet, passive O'Neill was scaring not only him but also everyone else at the SGC. 

"Daniel, I'm heading home. You coming?" The younger man looked up from his translation. Jack stood in front of his desk, wearing jeans, a dark green turtleneck and a grey coat, playing with his car keys.

"Um, I have to finish translating these texts, Jack. I'm not sure how long it will take." Daniel's eyes travelled from his lover to his work then back to his lover. He really wanted to go home with Jack but the General wanted these translations as soon as possible.

"Okay, don't work yourself to death." 

"Jack, couldn't you wait a little longer?" Daniel had jumped up and grabbed Jack's arm. "I'll have them finished in less than an hour."

"Danny, what's the hurry?" Jack chuckled. "Take your time, we wouldn't want you to make any mistakes with those texts, would we? Besides, I'm really tired and I need to go home. I don't want to spend the night here on the base." He gently removed Daniel's hand from his arm. "I'll see you in the morning." 

"Daniel, I was wondering if you..." Carter stopped in her tracks as she saw that the linguist was not alone. "Oh, Colonel. I'm sorry, I'll come back later."

"No, stay. I was leaving anyway." He waved the Major inside. "Goodnight, kids. Have fun." Sam watched how Daniel's gaze followed the older man until he was out of sight.

"Daniel, is everything alright?" she asked the linguist who looked miserable.

"I don't know, Sam." Carter frowned as she heard the wearily muttered words.

"Are you two having problems? Did he..."

"No, we're fine. We get along very well," he said gloomily.

"Then why are you so unhappy?" She walked over to the linguist who was staring at his shoes intently. "Daniel?" 

"I don't know. It's just that he's so... so... He's..." Daniel struggled with his words.

"So not Jack?" Sam provided and earned a surprised look from the archaeologist.

"Yes, he's so weird. It's like he's become a completely different person. Last week I told him about the ruins on P4X908 and he listened to me, Sam. He actually listened to what I said and then he asked questions about it. He understood what I was talking about and he..." Daniel slumped into his seat, brushing his hand through his hair. 

"Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?" the blond Major asked carefully. Angry blue eyes focused on her and she took a step back involuntarily. 

"Yes, it is," he hissed and buried his face in his hands. " But it seems to be..." his voice faltered.

"Wrong."

"Wrong." 

They both said it simultaneously. Carter nodded. "I know. Last week I talked to him about the reactor I'm working at and he showed me that I had made a mistake in my calculations. He was right, I had miscalculated it." Sam grinned. "I almost had a heart-attack! It felt like I was in an alternate reality."

"See, that's how I feel most of the time when I'm around him. I don't know what to do with him." Daniel sighed. "Ever since I..." They both knew that he was referring to his cheating. "Maybe this is his way of punishing me, maybe..."

"Daniel, no! Jack wouldn't do that. He loves you and he's forgiven you. You wouldn't be together if he hadn't, would you?" Sam interrupted him.

"I'm losing him, Sam," he said tiredly and raised his head to look at her, "and I don't know what to do. I want him back. The old Jack, not this one." Hearing the pain in his voice the Major walked over and pulled him into an embrace. 

"I miss him," he choked out and Sam tightened her hold.

"I know, Daniel. So do I," she whispered.

Jack sat on his couch staring into the fire while enjoying his fifteen-year-old Scotch. Music was playing quietly in the background and closing his eyes he leaned his head back.

O'Neill knew that everyone around him was worried that he might be losing his mind, but he didn't care. Everyone kept asking him how he was doing and he kept replying that he felt fine. The truth was that he felt nothing at all. All his anger, self-hatred, insecurities, guilt and even his love for Daniel had vanished somewhere along the way. He lived with a not uncomfortable numb feeling inside.

`Ah, Danny. I should thank you for making me see.' A small smile played around the corners of Jack's mouth. Yes, the young genius with those big blue eyes, soft blond hair, pouty lips and brilliant mind was responsible for Jack finding his peace.

It had torn the Colonel apart to find out that his lover had been fucking others behind his back. He had been hurting and had wanted to make Daniel hurt, too. But one look into those baby blues full of tears and fear and his resolve had been blown away. He had taken his lover back and they had tried to make it work again. 

Yet, Jack could not help but get suspicious when Daniel stayed longer at the mountain or went to his own apartment to get some things he needed. Those doubts had nagged at him and almost drove him nuts. He knew that it was his fault that they always ended up yelling and shouting at each other, but he simply could not bring himself to trust the linguist again.

Then one night the Colonel had been standing by his bed watching the sleeping young man under the covers, recalling their latest argument over nothing as he realised that he could not go on like this any longer. This emotional roller-coaster ride over the past months had worn him out, leaving him tired and empty. 

Jack realised that in the end he would lose Daniel like everyone else who had mattered in his life. He didn't have the strength to go through all that again so he decided to let go of the brilliant young linguist.

Daniel didn't know about Jack's little epiphany since the older man had not troubled to share it with him. The younger man had been happy that things got better between them and started to enjoy his time with Jack again. 

Jack on the other hand had started to avoid any kind of confrontation with Daniel by showing interest in the archaeologist's ramblings about ancient ruins, alien languages and old rocks. He had stopped playing dumb and showed his kids that he knew very well what they were talking about and that he would let them do as they pleased as long as it was within reason.

O'Neill chuckled silently as he recalled Sam's face when he told her that her calculations were wrong. Or how Daniel's mouth had dropped open as he made and informed comment about the writings on the temple walls on P4X908. Yeah, he still loved catching them off-guard. 

It still hurt to look at Daniel, but it was getting easier every day. Lately, however, he noticed little anxious glances from Daniel. The younger man sensed that something was wrong and had tried to talk to Jack about it, who had denied everything. 

Maybe now was the time to end it. Jack knew he was not doing Danny a favour by keeping his feelings in the dark. It was wearing Daniel out. The brilliant scientist was just a hair away from breaking down, Jack could see it in his eyes. No, he would just try to calm his little linguist down. Jack sighed and let sleep drift over him.

It was Daniel's birthday and he had invited Jack, Sam, Teal'c, General Hammond and Doctor Frasier to his apartment. The archaeologist had prepared a fantastic dinner and now they all sat in his living room, sated, happy and a little drunk.

Teal'c was telling Jaffa jokes. They were all laughing although they were not funny. But seeing Teal'c laughing at those jokes made everyone else want to join in. Sam and Janet had been giggling like two little girls all evening.

Jack sat in a chair and watched his friends. It had been a wonderful evening and even Daniel seemed relaxed and happy. O'Neill felt a slight warmth in his chest as he took in the scene in front of him.

Finally everyone went home. Sam hugged Jack and held him tight.

"I'm so glad that Daniel and you finally worked it out. You're so cute together," she whispered into his ear which made him chuckle. Then she planted a sound kiss on his cheek and left.

O'Neill laughed silently as he watched his 2IC sway to towards the elevator. She waved before she got in and he waved back. 

Sighing, Jack closed the door and faced the messy state the normally neat apartment was in. He found one certain brilliant blue eyed linguist sprawled on the couch nuzzling a bottle of beer.

"Thought you didn't like beer," he said in a teasing tone. Daniel looked up to him with sparkling eyes and beckoned the Colonel to join him. Jack raised his eyebrows and sat down beside the younger man.

Daniel scooted up, wrapped his arms around his lover and rested his head on his shoulder. Jack's hand rested on Daniel's hip. They sat there in companionable silence. Just as O'Neill thought that Daniel had fallen asleep the younger man spoke.

"Have I told you that I love you, Jack?" Those words came out a little slurry and Jack smiled at his drunk lover. Someone was going to have a royal headache in the morning.

"Not today, Danny." 

"Well, I do," came the sleepy reply followed by a sloppy, wet kiss on his ear.

"Let's get you to bed, kiddo." Jack grinned while wiping his assaulted ear. 

"Not tired. Want you to make love to me now." Another wet kiss was planted onto Jack's neck. He struggled to stop the young man.

"Danny, don't. I'm really wasted and need to sleep." A low growl made Jack jump up and laugh. "Come on, cut an old man some slack, grasshopper." He stopped laughing as he saw that Daniel was staring at him sadly. 

"What? Danny, what is it?" Jack asked worriedly. 

Daniel shook his head and sniffed. "Jack, what's wrong with you? Are you still mad at me, because of... you know?" 

The Colonel frowned at that question. "No, Danny," he replied softly. "I'm over it." `All of it' he added in his mind.

Daniel's head shot up and his eyes flashed with anger. "Really? It sure doesn't feel like it. You're withdrawing from me, you're indulging me," he shouted. "You've become so passive and so, so... What the hell is wrong?"

"Daniel, nothing's wrong," Jack answered calmly. `Please, don't do that. Don't start another fight' he thought. 

"I miss you, Jack," the younger man whispered.

"I'm right here, Danny." Jack felt himself shutting down. Suddenly Daniel sat up and looked right into the chocolate eyes he loved so much. Jack was right, he was here with him. It was just Daniel's own insecurity and paranoia that made him say those stupid things. Slowly a smile curled up Daniel's lips. He took Jack's hand between his own and made him sit down again. "Jack?" His eyes were sparkling.

"Danny?" Jack felt uneasy. Daniel looked like someone who had just been enlightened.

"I want you to know that I've never loved anyone as much as I love you," he proclaimed. 

The Colonel cringed inwardly. That was not what he had expected or what he wanted to hear. Danny was drunk; he surely didn't mean it.

"I wanna grow old with you, Jack. I need you. I wanna die lying in your arms. Your eyes should be last thing that I see before I leave this world. I love you so much and sometimes I can't believe that you love me back. I'm so sorry for giving you such a hard time," he whispered. " You make my heart happy and I thank you for that." Daniel stopped himself as he saw Jack's expression. The Colonel looked tired and defeated. 

"Jack, I mean it." Daniel felt fear welling up. Here he was spilling his guts and Jack looked like he had just been sentenced to death. "What's going on here, Jack?"

O'Neill glanced at the anxious looking young man beside him. He had dreaded this moment. He had hoped to avoid this situation but now he had no choice. He had to tell Daniel that...

"Jack, I'm telling you that I love you and you show no reaction at all?" Velvety brown eyes were scrutinising him detachedly. "I mean it, Jack. I really, really mean it."

"Danny, please. You don't understand..." Jack scrubbed his hands over his face and got up wishing this conversation were over.

"Do what? Jack, it's you who doesn't seem to understand." Daniel almost shouted at the pacing man and saw him flinch. "I don't ever want to leave you," he added more quietly. Jack stopped in his tracks and stared into open blue eyes. " I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Jack." 

"I don't." Oh God, did he say that out loud? Judging by how Daniel's face shut down, he did. The linguist looked like he was going to pass out. His face was white as a sheet and his breathing had become shallow.

"Wh-what did you just say?" he whispered while his body began to shiver. 

"I said that I don't, Danny," Jack replied softly. "Look, I..." The Colonel shrugged helplessly, not knowing how to explain what he felt. "You don't know how much I wanted to hear those words from your mouth." He didn't know if Daniel was still following him but went on anyway. "If you had told me that just a few months ago, I'd have been the happiest man alive."

"Jack, what...?"

"But now," he interrupted the linguist, "it doesn't matter anymore. I've realised that it doesn't matter if you love me or not. I'm tired, Daniel. All those inane arguments we had over the past months, all that shouting and yelling..." Jack struggled to get his quivering voice under control, "Being with you hurts, it hurts more than I can bear. It wore me out and I just don't have the strength to..." Jack's voice had become lower and lower and died away. "Daniel?"

The younger man sat on the couch. He was staring at the man he loved who had just told him that... Daniel took a deep breath trying hard to make any sense of this situation.

"Being with me hurts?" Daniel tried to blink his tears away. "You know, Jack, you hasn't been a walk in the park, either..." The younger man's voice cracked and he lowered his head.

Jack watched how the tears in Daniel's eyes spilled over and rolled down his cheeks with calm interest. He knew that he should feel guilty for making the younger man so miserable and reached out for him. Jack's hand hovered over the bowed head for a moment. He was just a hair away from actually touching the younger man; just a little closer and he would feel those silky strands of hair... O'Neill let his hand drop to his side and smiled to himself. No, not this time. Never again.

"I better go now," he said quietly and received a nod from the sitting man. O'Neill put on his jacket and turned around once more. He saw that Daniel's eyes were focused on him.

"I'm sorry, Daniel." Nothing indicated that his words had been heard. Taking one last look at the man he once loved he opened the door. "Goodbye." he said quietly and left, ignoring the painful sob as he shut the door.

The Moon looked down and saw a lone man staring up at her. His dark brown eyes were empty and she wondered what he had done. Her little companions, the stars, were watching with her. They knew him. He would look up at them with his telescope and give them funny names when he was young, they remembered. They liked this one very much.

It was a beautiful night. Millions of stars were twinkling in the sky, reminding him of diamonds on black velvet. His lips curled up as he took in the beauty above him. How could the moon shine so brightly and the stars sparkle so joyous when his whole world had collapsed and he had done nothing to stop it? Laughter was bubbling up and he gave in. Standing on the lawn in the middle of the night, Colonel Jack O'Neill laughed at the sky like a madman. 

The stars watched with horror how the laughter turned into an anguished cry as the man collapsed in a heap. The Moon shook her head sadly and caressed the silver head with her light. She knew that this was probably the last time she would see him. His light was dim and would soon be gone. 

"Oh, my poor boy," she whispered. "How much we loved you." 

"How much we are going to miss you," the stars sighed with her.

 

Epilogue

The sky had opened and rain was pouring down. 

Doctor Daniel Jackson did not seem to notice it. He stood there like a statue, staring unbelievingly at the ground. He heard footsteps and felt someone standing next to him. He turned to see who it was.

It was Jack, dressed in light chinos and the dark green shirt Daniel loved so much, smiling one of those brilliant smiles.

"Hey, Spacemonkey. Nice to see you here."

"Jack, how are you?" 

"Ah, I've never been better."

"I thought you were gone. They said you had... Where have you been?"

"Here and there, there mostly. I can't stay. Just wanted to say hello."

"Where are you going?"

"Away."

"Why?"

"Cause I have to. They're calling me already."

"They? Who're they?"

"Gotta run, Danny. It was great to see you again."

"Jack, wait! Don't leave me! Jack!" Daniel cried and ran after his lover but he slipped and fell.

"Jesus, Daniel. What are you doing?" 

Daniel looked up into a pair of eyes full of concern. "Jack?" he whispered, then realised where he was.

"No, it's me. Janet. What happened?" 

Daniel looked around seeing he was surrounded by Janet, Sam, General Hammond and Teal'c.

"I saw Jack, he was here just a minute ago." 

Janet's eyes filled with tears as she shook her head. "Come on, Daniel. Let's go inside. You'll catch pneumonia if you stay here any longer. You should get some rest." The petite doctor tried to pull her friend up from the wet grass.

"But Jack was here just a minute ago..." Bewildered, Daniel fell silent. He had not seen Jack. His mind had been playing tricks on him. 

"Jack is gone, Daniel," Hammond said softly and Daniel looked up to the General.

"I know. I just thought that... Never mind."

The small group walked towards their cars slowly. None of them noticed the lone figure sitting on the ground.

Jack sighed as he watched his friends leave. It was good to see them one last time. He was worried about Daniel but he knew that the others would take good care of him. 

He took a closer look at the object beside him. It was a white square marble stone with an inscription.

Jonathan O'Neill  
1955 -- 2001  
May You Rest in Peace


End file.
